The Brave Dreamer Journey!

Dear Brave Dreamer…

Just 3 weeks ago at this time, I was dancing with a bunch of new friends on a beach in Sydney at Sunrise. It was a stunning day, my heart and body were celebrating getting through out first solo flight since our big trip last year… conquering fear with Joy… I was elated to be in a new state with some of my souls closest friends to witness one of the most beautiful weddings filled with such deep genuine love, a whole lot of honest, good people… and a whooooole lot of dancing the night away in a sweetheart town I had never known or… It was Magical!

I had been battling crazy amounts of anxiety leading up to the trip… dealing with some very unjust and painful accusations within my dreamy business as I made some changes and realigned things with the most honest integrity I could muster… Its such a weird experience to center back into your gifting and the most color you can bring the world only to have people… often those that are closest to you… attack from a place of complete disillusionment. Its painful. But the soul… thanks to years of dedicating my heart to the deepest of deep healing journeys… sunk its heels in pretty solid with this one. Knowing your worth and value because that is how YOU treat others worth and value… its a hard pill to swallow… but the growth is treasure! To face some trauma like solo travel after my big trip… amongst the raging battle of anxiety screaming out to be heard and validated… It almost felt too much. It almost WAS too much… Alas… another gold star on the heart for Deep Trust and Brave Dreaming.

However… in my last moments of being away I sensed something wrong back at home… and boy was I right! When I landed, I came home to another shift in reality. We had already been told that we had to move out of our house so all of that was in motion… but then to top it off with an unexpected 17yearr friendship disappearing without a word, starting our 2nd term of dance with half the team I had just a few weeks earlier, the leads on new houses pulled like a rug from underneath my already wobbly legs and the reality that now I was searching while packing solo… to say the anxiety vamped up again is a fair statement…!

I have lived in the homeless predicament before… Its a very surreal, can be an extremely lonely and hard to comprehend reality to breathe a breath in..! The whole living in your car lifestyle has become very common… adding a wheelchair, a body that can be very needy and unpredictable and a puppy in tow to the mix… kinda makes it a little more… shall we say, ‘chaotically colorful’.
Now DONT fret too bad yet Brave Dreamer… there is a God of the universe that can be trusted with EVERY tomorrow we get to live… but the ‘getting through it all with a bleeding heart’… that’s been the the most challenging of all..!

I have this thing about me and my personality where firstly, I genuinely forget to tell my friends in particular about the past of my many brain surgeries and my reality of having a pump in my head that causes brain fog, a little chunk of confusion and just generally can cap me off to a capacity of dealing with things to a limit Id like to push… but just genuinely cant sometimes. So… when a moment comes along when allllllll of my usual anchors and ‘trusted constants’ are swirling up in the air, giving real motion sickness to my already swimming mind… its been a tricky time!

I remember being in a similar situation many years back where I found myself, once again in the firing line of accusation darts flying at me from some beautiful ones I had literally nearly died loving as hard as I could in a season of service, and while amongst that… was being forced out of my living arrangements that I had just started feeling somewhat safe in.

I remember waking up early one morning, making my tea and sitting at my sunrise spot… just like I have as I write this blog today. I looked up at the morning sky waking up, very aware of the heaviness in my chest and just saying “God… how do I keep loving people well in this moment…?”

You see… I have ALWAYS been a people lover! Always! I have always needed people… both physically and in the hearty connection sense… but I have also just genuinely loved to journey alongside others and pour my guts out in love and kindness to build them up and watch them succeed. Loving people is a need that my hearts just cant give up on. No amount of pain or betrayal, rejection of abandonment has ever been able to break it… but wow can it create some very significant pains and wounds.

I find in my lifes most deep heartbreak moments… my soul kicks in. Reminding me of a few simple facts within creation such as how the opal is only that stunning to look at because its the cracks that allow the colorful reflection we see… or the fact that the rainbow we get to be in awe over would cease to exist without there being rain… or how in the Japanese culture they fix the finest of pottery by pouring gold into the cracks… and how Gold is refined in the Fire…!

I often find myself when Im in these hard life predicaments thinking “AH! How did I get here again… what am I doing wrong to be back here…” When I know in my true honesty that I have been living with as much genuine love and intention as I know how… It can be the biggest mind game to endure..!

I think in this recent time… Im coming to realize, thanks to being away for a few days and having a wonderful time while the unraveling happened outside of my knowing let alone my control… that cracks just happen in life. No matter what you do or dont do, how much integrity or how pure the intention… Cracks… happen! Yes… sometime in the most inconvenient of times and the most painful of ways… but we get to choose to allow the purity of Gold… also refined in FIRE.. to be poured out and through us… mending what looks broken and making it look like a refurbished masterpiece..!

Beauty for Ashes… Life from Death… Joy from Mourning… thanks God!

I have always found myself a life that reflect that of a Butterfly! They have followed me around forever!!! And as I grew I learnt about the transitions they endure in their beautiful life… how they literally turn to gooey soup before finding the bravery and strength to stretch out their wings and break free from the cocoon they have been nestled in…
The other day a beautiful darling angel friend of mine sent me a picture of some butterflies in flight with yet another ‘real life fact that hit straight to the heart…

“Did you know that Butterflies rest when it rains because it damages their wings..? Its ok to rest during the storms of life. You’ll always fly again once its over.”

I Cried. I still cry reading and writing this.
Im just SO grateful for the lessons our hearts can take from these intentionally created in love creatures..!!!

And while, as I write this blog… in the cool morning air, amongst mountains of boxes to pack and things to do… not quite knowing what the weeks ahead hold but learning to take one step at a time as it unfolds… I know that ‘loving people while I hurt’ in this moment looks like this! Sharing the realness and rawness of a moment in hopes of encouraging whoever you are reading this… that its ok! You are Ok! Or… you will be… it takes time to unravel and takes time to catch your breath after a hit… but… hold on in your moments. You will be ok!!!

We are all on this journey of life! Learning to love people well… strangers, friends, families alike has so many facets! Whether journeying in close step, from a distance, daily, monthly, yearly… sometimes it looks like getting close… sometimes it looks like letting go…

This Brave Dreaming heart of mine can often fear these painful moments as they take my attention away from ‘dreaming of what’s to come’… but in the end it is only for a moment in time..!

We’ll fly again once its a little less torrential… In the meantime… get those boots on and JUMP IN THE PUDDLES… when you’re not curled up cozy and waiting for the time to pass of course…!

3 weeks ago I was dancing in the golden sunrise with arms wide open embracing the beauty… 3 weeks later Iam sitting on my couch before I put my life in storage for a time… my world looks a little chaotic… but my goodness is my heart, though a little tender…. wide open!

Watch this space… in a few weeks time we may be journeying ‘what it looks like to have a home on wheels… when you already live on wheels’ kinda journey,,, ha! Who knows!!!

Trust God in the journey friends!

BE YOU! STAY YOU! LOVE YOU!!!
You got this!

Love,
Brave Dreamer!
xxx