The Brave Dreamer Journey!

Dear Brave Dreamer,

“We’re just going to dose you up on pain killers and eventually it will pass…” “We will do another blood test but it will have to be something you keep a watch on and navigate…” “you will have to be more careful with your diet…” “You can live with Gastritis…” “There’s nothing serious we can see…” “Yeah… its the Gallbladder… you will feel so much better once that things out…” “Multiple stones…” “0% functional…” “Lets get that thing OUT OF YOU!” ……

And So On….

Friends… it has been a JOURNEY!!! 19 months of crazy pain, unpredictable attacks, rude interruptions to my brave dreaming life, More pain… a deeper resilience to living life with pain… wavering and faltering energy levels, learning, growing, failing and flourishing… Its been a HARD time!
No one kinda pre warns you about the ‘normal’ stuff when you’re born with a disability… your mind is already full to overflowing of alllll the ‘do’s and don’ts’ of your own unique normal… so when you wake up one night out of the blue with excruciating pain and no understanding of what it may be apart from something serious… because that’s the normal in these bodies of ours… terrifying can be a word to describe the feeling that overtakes the heart.

Most of my life I have had to struggle through the diagnosed, misdiagnosed kinda life… I smile! I always have been a ‘Smiler’… though smiling when you’re in excruciating pain somehow results in the understanding that ‘she is not too bad… she is smiling..!” I have often, in my adult life, wanted to wear a big flashing badge when going to see specialists or medical peeps of any kind that says “DONT BE FOOLED BY THE SMILE”… but then again… the joy of carrying Joy into the dark places is just too fun… even when the cost is felt deeply.

Today… I have my Gallbladder removal surgery… part 2. haha. I’ve been awake since before the sun… I’m nervous. The memories of waking up traumatically from the last op are simmering at the surface, threatening to be jerks and interrupt the peace that I’m so vigorously cultivating… but this i come back to… in 24hrs… I will be ok! Yes… the journey of life will continue and alllllll the surprises that it may bring… But… Grace is sufficient and Peace is forever present if we just so lean that little bit deeper.
So… today I lean. Again.
I have learnt a new depth of leaning in these past 19 months of this journey… and you know what… as hard as it has been… I will be Grateful! I have gone to new depths of heart and soul healing that I never would have if this journey had not happened… I have sought to understand, learnt deeply and am excited to pass on the wisdom and understanding to others. A beautiful friend of mine reminded me recently of how my ‘win’ is a win I can share… And this is what I live for! To share the journey… the good, bad, ugly, hard and joyful,,, the wisdom I may not have been taught but have gained along the way… gosh! What an honor to learn along the way!!!

So today… as my tummy squirms a little at the moments to come, that dull ache that I ‘am sooooo use to now in my gut that reminds me that my little organ is nervous for its last day… but we are ready! Ready to regain the quality of life we so long and fight for! To find new strength to power onwards and upwards… there a sooooo many adventures to be had Brave Dreamers! This is just the beginning!

But for now… I want to take a moment to say thankyou… and Goodbye!

Thankyou & Goodbye!

Today we say goodbye to you,
Today is your last day,
And though we won’t deeply miss you,
We just wanted to take the time to say,
We’re grateful you were with us,
From the very start of it all,
A vital part of this team of organs,
Dedicated to the role.
Thankyou for being one of us,
Even though this has not ended well,
For the many years ahead of us,
Of your stories I’m sure we will tell.
No one had pre warned me,
Of the importance of your existence,
But now I know how to improve,
So I will teach others how to go the distance.
Much pain was had with this last home run,
And the pain will be hard to forget,
And though it has not been much fun,
For the most part it was time well spent.
As time went on and we grew in health,
All the pain you still held,
A flourishing body with much much color,
Yet your color faded to stone cold.
So here we are on this D day,
Saying a nervous but keen goodbye,
We Thank-you Gallbladder for all you’ve done,
And how you truly tried.
We’re grateful. xxx

Till next time Brave Dreamers<
Be You. Stay You. Love You!
xxx