The Brave Dreamer Journey!

Dear Brave Dreamer…

I cried in my PT session this week…

Not hysterical, loud, uncontrollable, unreconcilable sobs… the tears didn’t stream but boy did they swell & well juuust below the surface of my eyes… it was like the more that I moved my body, the more I could feel the lump in my throat grow… & when my wonderful PT who just happens to be a precious friend of my heart asked ‘how are you going..?’ I had to sheepishly reply ‘hmmm dont ask me that just yet..!’ I came home not long after, plonked on my bed and just went “ok heart… whaaaaats your problemo….!!?!”

Its been almost a month now since my complicated, failed gallbladder removal surgery… almost 4 weeks on! The scars are healing nicely, the bruises are almost completely faded, I can now drive & have most of my independence back… though… starting back with my PT sessions this past week, which I generally love & excitedly anticipate the endorphin hit it gives.. this seems to trigger the trauma all over again. Its like the normal muscle ache that hits after a good session is different. It feels different. the new scars tingle in ways I don’t like… the new scar tissue inside seems to bring on waves of grief and disappointment all over again from a procedure that honestly, coming from a girl who has had more brain surgery than dentist visits in my life… I realized in a moment of catching myself saying to myself “Sarah… just get over it…!” that… I have been bullying myself into moving forward when, truthfully… my very DNA was screaming at me to ‘just… give me a moment more!!!’
This approach to ‘getting through life’ is so much more common than what we care to admit… or take the time to acknowledge! After all… the ‘grown up life’ is one of ‘suck in up Princess… there are things to get done’…. right…?
Well… yes. There is truth in that. Life goes on & things demand our attention, or decision making & our responses… but… how much are we living a robotic response to life rather than walking around being seen in our ‘real faces’…?

A beautiful friend of mine who just happens to be an incredible artist… one day in art class she was sharing a portrait she had done of her daughter… who happens to be one of the coolest, deepest, most creative little people I get the privilege of knowing and loving… she just so happens to also have the most perfect ‘poker face’ as we would describe it..!
I love kids!!!! Whole heartedly! I love the way they live, the lessons they teach the world around them just by how they filter life and the way they are sooo gooshy & open to love! Then… there are the little people like my friends daughter.. who, if she lets you in to see & know her… you truly feel privileged! She is not hard hearted or sinical she is just.. perfectly her! Anyway… in the portrait that my friend had crafter of her daughter she shared that the response she got from her was that of… “I like it mum! That’s my real face!”

BOOM!!!!
Out of the mouths of babes!!!

“My Real Face..”
Can we imagine for a moment that we lived in a world where we showed ‘our real faces…’?! Woah the mess that that in itself would create… though… coming from the perspective of someone who is a deep feeler & has very much felt the wrath of emotion at wreck in my body… simply because they weren’t felt, expressed or processed properly… a world or ‘feeling’ kinda sounds like, in its healthy state, a gooood original plan that maybe we just little by little lost chunks of as we hid or ‘bullied’ ourself out of feeling.

Its been a good eye opener for me to learn & embrace myself as someone who longs to journey along young kids who also battle disability, sickness, LIFE..! Iam learning deeply right now what it is to know what I need… no shame attached!

For Example; when awaiting surgery a month ago, I had a precious friend with me most of the day. We watched a movie, chatted, did some art, listened to music… did all the things I know to do when passing the time awaiting a procedure. The day rolled by to a time when it was unknow that they were going to be able to fit me into the list that day so my friend left, exhausted, to go home for some food & rest. Not long after she left… they came in to take me to theatre! Of course…!
I ‘am a deep feeling, touch loving kinda love language gal! I need it. I hold hands & steal hugs as muuuuch as I can to get through my days! So when facing an anesthetic for the first time in 10 years… without a friend by my side… what did I do…? I befriended my theatre nurse reeeeal fast & let it be known early on that I needed a ‘hand holder’! Yep! A 33 year old, multiple surgeries had & a lifetime of craziness that has been survived… yet… as I fell asleep that day, I vulnerably held the hand of my lovely nurse. No apologies… just gratitude!

It is strength to know your weakness! It is a GOOD thing to be self aware! Vulnerability is a gift in a world of fast-paced, ‘I don’t have time to feel’ world… a precious Gift!!!

I wanted to encourage you… in a round about way… but hear me out! My intention is alllways to encourage, to be hope-filled… but be as real & honest as I can be also… Its a priority! Society today shies away from the vulnerable… whether out of uncomfortably not knowing how to see & be with someone who isn’t wearing a smile… knowing how to just ‘be’ has become such an art to learn and master in a world that wears facades… non the less… to be seen and known… as you are… and know the safety in that.. oh what a gift!

I have always struggled with sitting with my own tears and feelings of sadness, disappointment, grief in all its forms. My personality genuinely has a natural ‘Joyful’ default… & I’m grateful for that! But to feel & embrace the deeper pain that comes… & to allow that to be seen by others..! Ohhhh nooo way!!! That’s when this social, people loving butterfly wobbles away to find a quiet corner to hide & cry!!! Though… I wouldn’t recommend this to be the way to live honestly..! Feelings are feelings… they are there to be felt, acknowledged and loved on… we were created with emotions & when they are embraced healthily they do become suuuch a beautiful gift to this journey of life!!!

Here’s the deal Brave Dreamer. You are safe to be here, as you are, reading my vulnerable posts… as Iam! Can we make a deal to intentionally embrace our hearts… to show our REAL faces….?!? It takes bravery! But worth it… Yep!

Much love to you,
A girl learning to love her Real face!
xxx